The art of driving on Indian roads
Roads are our national heritage, as you very well know. This is a cradle to grave association: many of us are born here, live here (Hindi movies have a full genre of songs associated with the 'footpath') and of course, given our highest regards for safety, dying on the road is as natural as dying of old age. In between, we marry here (by digging holes into the road for the 'tamboo' to be erected), we wash our laundry on the road, we sell stuff from chips to computers on the road, we pray on the road and do so much more. Such productive use of a public asset is unparalleled around the world. Naturally, then World bank is always so eager to lend us money for building more roads.
But ofcourse, we also drive on them. For those of us, who may, in our naiveté, forgotten about the talent that this requires, I wanted to summarize some nuggets of wisdom that I have acquired while doing so. It must be said that driving on Indian roads is an existential skill, quite literally so and many expats have unhesitatingly mentioned it on their resumes after their India posting, as the single most important skill that they learned in India. It must also be mentioned that NASA has unequivocally expressed its preference to hire Indian auto drivers for driving the next MARS probe vehicle when humans finally visit MARS. They believe a great deal of affinity exists that can be tapped to the benefit of human kind.
With further ado, here are some of the secrets that Indians inherently know (cradle to grave association) but for the benefit of the rest of the world:
Showing who the boss on the roads is: Well first things first. You may not be to able to do so at home, but once you leave home, it is time to show the world who the boss is- everything you do, whether it is the flourish with which you open and close the doors, the dirty look you give to the rider behind you from your rear view mirror, or the pitch and length of your horn- it is all to achieve that one single goal- no one on the roads must take you for granted.
So let us say, if the signal has turned green and the guy infront of you is still not moving (because the car infront of him hasn't moved), it is your public duty to encourage him to do so, by trying to sit atop your horn, so he can derive uninterrupted motivation to move forward. The key word here is uninterrupted; lest the bugger think you have relented and start to take it easy. In case you get tired, because this could take some time, you can always ask your travelling companion or a passerby to press your horn for you. After all, don't the geese do the same thing while flying in formation. It is such a natural thing to do, it should come naturally.
Take the lights- Let us say you encounter another vehicle coming from the opposite side on a 15 ft. wide road what would a king of the road do? Exactly, you would flash your lights to assert your right to go first. It does not even matter if the road is 15 feet or 50 feet, or even has a divider with separate lanes for to and fro traffic. All that matters is that you know that there is a feature in the car that allows you to flash the head lights at day time and the other idiot should know that you know how to use it and that you will not shy away from exercising this right, come hail or high wind. What if the other guy also flashes his lights. Ah, there's the rub- Our mythology provides clues to how you must act then. IF you have seen the TV Serials Ramayana or Mahabharata, the warriors pray & invoke lightening like weapons and throw them at each other. Then these weapons- flashes of light really, fly and clash with each other and eventually one or both are destroyed. And then, both warriors throw each other incredible looks. You must emulate mythology and then just like in the serials, flash your light once again with even more vengeance.
Likewise, by keeping your lights at full beam at night, you are just retaking your natural space around you and telling the other guy, who is blind by now, that his place is in the gutter at the side of the road.
The right of way: There is a caveat to all of the above. Whatever else you may do, in this battle of dharma on the Indian roads you never take on the dreaded GOI vehicles- ie, the Government of India vehicles. Government buses are mai-baap. If you do so, all that may happen is that they may ram through vehicle, pinch their nose, shrug their shoulders and walk away.
Horn please: Since most of our great nations great people are stuck on our great roads at any given time, before & after working hours, you can imagine there is no time left for practicing any 'regular' pastimes. Indian ingenuity (assorted management theorists now call it Jugaad- the art of improvisation), that we are so proud of, is seen in abundance here. Using the horn, irrespective of how feeble it may be on a puny Luna, is a national pastime. The ruling congress party was toying with the idea of proposing legislation around it so it is permanently enshrined in our constitution as a fundamental right, but were not so sure of getting it through the house due to the 'didi's menace. But that does not matter. Something does not have to be in the constitution to be practiced. So, right to using the horn- look some people believe that their vehicle is underutilized if all features of their car, especially the horn is not used enough. No horn means no existence in the parlance of Indian roads. If, you may have momentary lapse of memory, you can always look at the smoke-belching truck infront of you, which has a devil's head painted on it with an all familiar suggestion: Horn Please.
Speed breakers Speed breakers are ornamental creations on Indian roads, meant to create a beautiful undulating landscapes that is soothing to the eye. It has nothing to do with breaking speed actually. You simply cross don't cross the breaker. You swerve to the side of the road where the breaker ends and then swerve back onto the road.
Lane discipline: Well, first you have to find a lane, but assuming that you are Agent Vinod ( James Bond equivalent in India) and you manage to find one, the way it works is that the lane dividing dotted line must be exactly between your 2 front tires, if you are on a four wheeler. You don't exactly ride 'in' a lane. You drive 'on or rather 'across' it. A two-wheeler rider has the option of zig-zagging between one lane to another. This option is especially well-utilized if you have PYT sitting as a pillion rider. Expect the slowest vehicle to be in the fastest lane. That is because the left most lane is for even slower vehicles that are stationary.
Helmets: There is a rule that helmets must be worn even though there is no chance in an eternity that you will ever cross the lightening speed of 33kms per hour in any city, anywhere in India. If you had an uncle or any distant relative working in the armed forces in the 70's, you can perhaps make a fashion statement on the streets of Bangalore by asking him to lend you his bottle green army helmet (the kind Irfaan khan is seen sporting in Paan Singh Tomar). Mind you, it is solid steel, so much so that you may feel dizzy with the weight. Strapping it on is not important because the traffic is not that fast, unless you are foolish enough to land in a pothole that may unbalance the precariously balanced but tough, fashionable looking thing on your head. If the helmet has scratches and peeled off paint, or a dent (presumably from a bullet that was shot at by the invading Chinese forces in 1962) boy aren't you then going to rule the cool quotient. It is the equivalent of wearing a bullet shot or acid-wash torn jeans.
Tail lights: India is such a fascinating place- Even truck drivers take public service messages seriously- In order to save electricity, they simply don't install tail lights.
Swerving: Before I tell you about this, ask where was swing bowling discovered. Where indeed- in the Subcontinent! Swerving on the road is like swing bowling and I suspect the motivation to invent swing bowling came from our roads. It is a delicate art- Open manhole- swerve, cow on the road- swerve, stationary vehicle-swerve, pothole- swerve … you get the idea.. Why should life's journeys be a straight line?
Swearing & gesturing and Spitting: – All the roads are my spittoon and I will swear as I please. That says it all.
At the traffic signal: You never really stop. The trick is keep moving ahead, keep revving your engine. The smart accountants on the 2-wheelers who pass by every day, have already figured out the duration of traffic signals, They have a premonition, somewhat through a sixth sense, micro-seconds before the signal for the opposite flow of traffic must turn to red, which automatically means that the traffic for their own lane must turn green.
Crossing the busy road: Ever swum across a river in spate? You don't take on the rival, you go with the flow- you move forward inch by inch diagonally in the direction of the traffic flow, until you have established yourself as a nuisance blocking the road .Then people have to stop to let you go.
Ambassador: This one has a bit of retro-appeal therefore I see a need to mention it. Assume you are driving a small Taxi like a Maruti 800, but you come upon a large family customer. Typical to the Indian customs, you don't refuse a customer. Instead you sit on your side, against the door. Then as and when you need to change floor gear, you just asked the kids to 'swalpa adjust maadi'.
Queuing: Look, if you can master this, I can guarantee you half the battle is won. It's like the golf swing. This skill is utilized almost everywhere, but I have specified 2 maneuvers at the railway crossing where, if used deftly, it is like a trump card.
Part A: At the railway signal crossing: Ah, now this is the one that requires experience and precision so pay attention. You arrive at a railway level crossing that is closed in anticipation of an arriving train. Well, if you are on a 2 wheeler, you immediately get down, bend your torso 90% and simply go under bar with your bike, plain and simple as that. The bar is to keep out other fools who chose to flaunt their wealth and travel in 4-wheelers. Right, that being clarified, let's talk about what happens if you find yourself in a 4-wheeler. Part of the skill is to spot the queue at the railway crossing from afar. Let's say, there are about 10 vehicles piled up in the queue on each side of the crossing. An ordinary mortal may simply decide to be at the 11th position. Not you. You have read my article. You have mastered this right from your days of yore. You rev-up your engine, tweak your moustaches a bit, ignore all the dirty looks and simply zoom past all the other 9 to arrive at parallel to the second position. Notice that I say second position. That is so, because the guy first in the lane has parked it about 1.5 cms away from the bar, so to aim for the first position would really be fool-hardy, second position is good enough. You don't have the second position just YET. You have to perform a small, but deft maneuver to get it. Right, so just as you arrive parallel to the second car, you turn your steering left a little, say about 15-30 degrees, so that your vehicle's left edge is now strategically placed in-between first and the second position. At this point, you haven't quite evicted the guy in the second position, but you have, very literally, what is called 'a foot in the door'. Don't lose concentration just yet. As the guy in the erstwhile second position curses himself for parking too far apart from the rear end of the first car (about 5 inches apart, anything more than 2 inches leaves you vulnerable for a 'hostile takeover'), you grab every single opportunity that you get between now and when the train finally arrives and leaves, to inch ahead to ensure that, if at all your rival moves, he is going to bump into you. And of course, that is going to be hitting the minefield as you know how to act if someone even brushes a feather across the length and breadth of your vehicle. If that ever happens, you know, you have to come out of the vehicle and shout at the top of your voice, pick a fight and make sure that everyone behind you in the queue must suffer for their bad karma. But believe me, it is unlikely to happen. The guy will simply make way for you. (though it helps if you have a stubble & wearing a pyjama-kurta with paan stains. Some people have tried using stickers of Samajwadi party, even here in Bangalore on their vehicles and found it very effective).
Part B: Right, its time for the manually operated crossing bars to go up. You are alert and raring to go. You have noticed that some fools have followed your example queuing up behind you, contesting for the third, fourth, fifth or subsequent positions in the queue, so effectively there is a parallel second queue albeit with a slight curve because they all have their vehicles lined at that 15 degrees angle I mentioned before. And this is also obviously the case on the other side of the railway line. You curse them for being in-disciplined copy-cats. But so what?.. You still have the reassurance of being at the number second position…er.. that is.. number second position on this side of the railway crossing, being mindful of the mirror image arrangement on the other side.
As soon as the bars lift up high enough- This is no less than a 100 meter sprint with a billion people as competition- that your low rise vehicle can pass (the other fool has a high chassis car, so he has to wait longer, you once again congratulate yourself for tactical superiority). Remember the angling of the vehicle is everything, other than the timing. You don't drive straight, you drive at about 30 degrees and assuming that the wall of vehicles that you have on the other side do the same, you are sure to have beaten the queue.
